"With all due respect, and as a friend to a friend, I'm going to tell you what I've noticed about you and your body language since day one. You hate yourself. You don't like anything about yourself."
That was all it took for me to crack. And while this doesn't ring true to my life, my relationship, my family, my friends, my likes and hobbies...it does ring true to my reflection of my inner self. I've thought long and hard about this, pretty much nonstop since yesterday. While I've been told how beautiful I am by everyone around me, and I'm surrounded by nothing but love, somewhere along the way, I became weak within myself. I thought I didn't show it. It's not that I don't think I'm pretty, because I think as a whole, I am. It's the little things that I see wrong with my physical image that grate on me and I can't seem to shake. It's being in love with someone who is the strongest person you've ever met. It's being involved in a social network of so many beautiful and talented women that make me think to myself everyday "I want that. Why can't that be me? Why can't I look like that? Why can't I be able to create such amazing things?" The real question should be "Why can't I be happy with myself and who I am as a person, both emotionally and physically, and the things I've accomplished and created in this life?"
I'm constantly feeling like I'm not pretty enough, I'm not creative enough, I'm not witty enough...and maybe that's where the root lies?
My entire life I've been putting everything I have into something other than myself. When my brother was born, everything revolved around him and his health because he was born with PKD. My brother is a part of me that I don't know how I could live without. As a newborn, he wasn't supposed to live through the night, but here he is 19 years later on the same kidney. If you didn't already believe in miracles, there's your reason to start. Anyways, my brother and I have a very special relationship. Even though my Mother was the one who donated her kidney, and is an amazing parent to the both of us, growing up I constantly felt the need to give him my strength. I felt the need to nurture him and help him grow. I felt the need to "mother" him. I was just a child, and I put that on myself. I still do. I'm not saying this is a bad thing. I love what we have, and I wouldn't change it for the world. I'm just analyzing how giving I am as a person, and in what ways it has affected me.
When I was in fourth grade, I found out I had to have open heart surgery. I had to take time off school, and when I was in the hospital, I remember getting the care package from my class. It had a video cassette that my classmates made of them telling jokes to make me laugh, because of course, laughter is the best medicine. After they each told a joke, they all told me how much they missed me and hoped that I would get well quickly and come back. Something as small as a cassette meant so much to me. To me it was proof that I was acknowledged and liked.
When H.B got in her accident 2 years ago, it was no surprise that I was right there by her side 100% giving her my strength, even if on the inside I was scared to death. I was doing the same thing I had done for my brother when he was sick. I give everything I have to her success and happiness because I love her from the bottom of my heart, and I will continue to do that for the rest of my life.
Beyond the people closest to my heart, are my friends. I constantly aim to please everyone I care about. It literally tears me to pieces if someone I love thinks bad things of me. I avoid confrontation at all costs, and make myself believe I am who someone wants me to be, so I don't upset them. I don't want to worry about what other people think of me. It's tough trying to please everyone, and it breaks you down on the inside because after awhile, you start to forget who you really are.
I've gone my whole life being the one working the spotlight, instead of in it. I don't want to come off as depressed, because I really am happy with the person I am and was shaped to be. I just seem to be having trouble acknowleging myself and putting ME in the spotlight. How do you do it?
19 comments:
Often times in life it's the simplest things that have been neglected for so long that can make all the difference. In your case I think it comes down to a series of choices. You have to choose to accept both the good and the bad of who you are. Not just say you do because it sounds good or feels like the right thing to do, but actually accept it. Choose to put yourself first from time to time without feeling guilty or undeserving about it. Choose to listen and believe all those people telling you how amazing you are so you can someday see it yourself. Choose to think about all of the great people and things you have in your life on a daily basis until you're so humbled by their love that you can't help but recognize how insignificant your perceived flaws really are. And quite possibly above all else, choose to have fun with it, or risk questioning the real worth of it all every day for the rest of your life.
"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody." - Bill Cosby
From the reading of this post, I would say you are amazing. You may not realize it, but the truth is the truth. I know exactly what you feel always trying to be the strong one. I am quick to fight for the ones I love. I like being the one people come to when they need strength or a shoulder. But for people like you and I, the hard part is accepting your flaws. I feel ashamed when I break down. The single hardest moment of my life to this point was my younger cousin (which I spent a large amount of time with when this happened) came to visit me in the hospital. I had West Nile, and it took my strength, skills, mental state, and other functions. But he walked into the hospital room with his dad and sister and I sat up in my bed and lost it. Broke down completely. Experienced emotions ranging hurt to happiness to weakness to anger to embarrassment. That moment is forever etched into my brain. That and my uncle telling me that he made him bring him.
I know I basically just hijacked your blog, but I totally understand what you are saying. I think you just need to step out of your body for just a second to take a look at all the lives you seem to have a positive effect on. Anytime you can do that for one person, you are beautiful. When you can do it for more than one, you become gorgeous. Just re-evaluate yourself. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.
Shannon,
SUPER BIG HUGS and KISSES to you my baby girl!
I just finished reading your blog to your father...it's ironic that you posted this and it was waiting for me to read. We had just finished discussing these very same things verbatim. The timing and subject is really amazing and scary.It's all so poignant and I am at an emotional loss of words right now after reading your amazing and well written blog.I am finding it extremely difficult to put my thoughts and comments into words right now but look forward to discussing it with you on Thursday. We love you so very much and want to help you in any way we can. Love Mom <3 XOXO
Hey girl. I have felt the same way for most of my life. Eventually, I have started to feel better and better about myself. People are still assholes and I still get made fun of for being myself, all the time. I have realized that those people aren't friends and I have to lift myself up because most likely, others won't. It's been a long hard road. It seems like you are going to right way. Good luck! I'm rooting for you!
So J is outgoing. She is friendly and gorgeous and awesome and everyone (really, EVERYONE) loves her. It is really easy to get lost in her shadow, to be 'arm candy', to be 'J +1'.
I've figured out, over many years, the key is to not compete. I'm never going to be her, and people aren't necessarily going to like me for the same reasons they like her. I'm not the storyteller she is, but I'm the one who will listen, and give advice. She'll make you laugh, and I'll make you smile. I've stopped trying to be someone I'm not, and it is far less exhausting. And to top it off? I'm way closer with my friends now than I ever was when I was trying to please everyone, to be everything for everyone. And I've learned, and am still learning, to love myself for who I am, and not to compete with the huge personalities.
You, my love, are amazing. You are so sweet it hurts. You care and you love and that makes you who you are. But you don't have to be everything for everyone. Be yourself. Don't miss out on life because you're trying to be someone you aren't. <3
You are an amazing person, no lie. Each and every one of your comments makes my day because you are so incredibly thoughtful and caring. I completely agree with that Sam said above. Seriously, you are an amazing YOU.
Shannon, I'm at work (just finishing lunch) and I don't have much time to comment. I'm going to bookmark this and save it to re-read tonight.
What you've written here is intensely, beautifully honest. Most people won't allow themselves to be nearly this vulnerable. I admire you for your courage.
I want to comment further but I'll wait until I have more time to give this the attention it deserves.
girlfriend, get out from behind working the spotlight and get in it!
i know you have it in you, i know it.
you put yourself out here on the time, you are caring and considerate to all so now you just need to make that more out there to your group of friends.
believe me, i've dealt with my own self confidence issues, it's tough but if you make an effort to try to better how you feel you'll look back on this time and think wow, i'm glad i'm better now.
xoxo
oh hon, all of those things that you admire in others is right there inside of you. I can see it. I know those that love you can see it as clear as day. I think the key to recognizing what is there/what has been there all along is allowing yourself to not only acknowledge the wonderfulness that is you but enjoy it. It might not seem obvious to you at first but make yourself search for those things make it your mission to find these things-they are there you just have to force yourself to take a look at yourself instead of making everybody else a priority.
I truly hope this makes some sense
When I got divorced after 10 years at 28 - I was a wreck. Seriously, I look at pictures from back them and I wonder how did I go from a girl I don't even recognize to so glamourous that I spit glitter? One day at a time. My divorce attorney gave me a notecard with this quote on it and I carry it with me everyday: “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” Nelson Mandela.
My advise to you - read it, study it, learn it, believe it. Tape it to your bathroom mirror. You are already an exceptional friend with a kind heart. Show yourself the same love you show others.
I think recognizing there are things we'd like to change about ourselves is the first step in the right direction.
BTW, I'm liking your (not so?) new home. Glad I followed the link from your comment on my blog.
start small.
just put your toes in the light at first.
give yourself permission to shine.
(you already do to the rest of us)
keep your chin up.
leave yourself reminders.
allow others to remind you.
you shine my friend.
and your comment on my recent blogpost was so kind, thank you. it made a difference in my day.
as a writer, I simply appreciate your honesty. what else can you do?
I think that being honest with yourself is a huge step, and then taking small actions to reinforce that honesty is the best thing that you can do. If part of what you don't want to do is disagree with your friends, why not try it? What can happen? Disagree with a dinner plan, and suggest another restaurant even, it can be as small as that but learning to voice your opinion and learning that the stakes you think are there just aren't? It's incredibly freeing.
I've had an anxiety disorder for years, and I just got in in control over the past three years. My life is SO different now, because I'm not worried all the time. I'm just me, and I don't apologize or placate. I would rather someone be mad at me for who I am than hang out with me because they don't know me.
The biggest thing for me was to stop mentally beating myself up. When I was able to change my internal monologue from negative to positive, everything changed. I started with making a list of five things I liked about myself everyday, and said them out loud. It was lame but until my internal monologue was strong enough so say those positive things, using my real voice really helped.
I hope you get work through this, miss. I've known a lot girls in your situation who are just pretending they're fine and it breaks my heart. They just break into smaller and smaller pieces of themselves.
I've been really bad about beating myself up about not being creative enough or having enough time lately, and I'm going back to making lists of why I'm awesome. Anything that helps, being in a bad state of mind doesn't make you better, it just makes you sad <3
Man, I can relate so well. Your honesty and transparency is so encouraging- from one people pleaser to another. Thank you for posting this.
I wish I knew what to say. I wish I had an answer. I wish I didn't know exactly what you're talking about, but I do. Since I adore you and H.B from afar, I'm glad I can relate, but it's such a huge obstacle, isn't it?
I grew up trying to please the world, make everyone laugh and block out the bad stuff that seemed to attack from every angle. My mom got beaten up pretty regularly by her extremely imbalanced boyfriend. I was verbally and sexually abused by a family member. My father was more dedicated to drinking than he was to being around at all. It just seems like evil was all over the place, and early on it just kind of became a habit for me to try to please people, to make things better. I never thought about it as "sharing my strength" but that's totally what it was. Why my little self thought that was my job, I don't know, but it started then and hasn't ceased. I think working the spotlight is kind of a self preservation thing. If no one really *looks* at me, I don't have to either, and I can ignore lurking fears and issues.
I just love you for sharing this. It seems silly in a way, since we've never met, but it's true-I love you and Megan to bits. You're both such amazing people, with so much to give. You *deserve* to truly feel and believe that. I hope that happens for you soon. I hope it happens for all of us working the spotlight.
HA! Well, I give up for now. I managed to lose everything I wrote in the process of trying to figure this out.
I'm glad you got to read everything before it disappeared!
In summary, remain positive in your thoughts and be strong along the way. You are surrounded by people who adore you and love you exactly the way you are whether you believe you are worth it or not. You are, by the way.
Love.
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Thanks for reading you lovely piece of pie, you. Oh, you're going to comment too? You make my heart smile.